Sunday, February 12, 2012

Dungeon Wars

This is another actual play report from last week's game (cf. Less Death, More Drowning and A Letter to the Port Authority). We've played again since that session, but I wanted to get this one up before I moved on to any actual play reports from our more recent session.

The player who wrote this one is playing an Artificer. His stroke of genius was to do his actual play report in the form of a script for Storage Wars, starting with the opening credit sequence.

(And as an aside, I think his idea of viewing Dungeons & Dragons as Storage Wars is a fun little high concept all its own.)


PRODUCTION NOTES, EPISODE 8F03
** LET'S TRY TO KEEP THE COMEDY LEVEL HIGH THIS EPISODE - NEXT WEEK DOESN'T TURN OUT SO WELL. MAKE SURE ALL OF THIS MAKES THE CUT. ALSO, WE NEED A NEW OPENING THIS WEEK SINCE THE UNION GUYS DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR THE EXPEDITION. **
{GUITAR RIFF} du, duh NUH nuh duh, duh NUH nuh
VOICEOVER: "When dungeons are discovered, the treasures within are plundered by heroes. Coming up...""
"Just stay here, and make sure it doesn't move." [beat] "AHHHRHRRRAAAAAAA!!!"
"There are trees in the woods."
"You know the SOUTH?"
"CHOOSE YOUR PATH, AND SOLVE MY DILEMMA." [silence]
{CUT TO BLACK} [beat]
[A splash of water and panicked gasping for air]
{GUITAR RIFF} duh, duh NUH nuh duh, duh NUH nuh...
PICTURED:
Barrel - The Engineer - VO: "It's fine, I've seen this before."
Torg - The Healer - VO: "{Can someone PLEASE translate this from Dutch!?}"
Oakbeard - The Mighty - VO: "AHHHRHRRRAAAAAAA!!!"
Tump - The Socialite - VO: "I saw that in a club once!"
Mordecai - The Delicate - VO: "EXXXcellent."
Bituminous - The Gentleman - VO: "I *do* declare!"
{GUITAR RIFF} duh NUHHH nuh
VOCAL: Magic owwwwwns this town
Magic owwwwwns this town, yeah you know what I'm talkin' bout
{TITLE CARD}
DUNGEON HAUL
--------------------------------------------
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "This week, we're in the Low March. I've never been out this far, but it sounds like we could make a big score today."
{GRAPHIC: Portcullis slams down, then is pulled back up.}
{INSERT TRAVEL MONTAGE HERE}
INTERIOR: STATUE ROOM {Just cut the combat from this scene - Give Tump a hero edit for solving the puzzle.}
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "When I found out Lynn wasn't coming, I knew I'd have to be ready for anything, so this week, I invested in a handy set of tools and brushed up on trapsmith theory."
{CUT TO THE TEAM TRIPPING THE STAIRWAY SLIDE TRAP}
BARREL: "...Tump doesn't know what a trap is."
{DROWNING ROOM SCENE}
{EDITOR: Did you even DO confessionals with Mordecai??? I haven't seen his footage! I want to hear him talk about drowning!}
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "Honestly, I'd only ever "heard of merfolk. I wasn't sure if that would work, but I'm not going out again without that spell."
--------------------------------------------
{MAGIC MISSILE TRAP ROOM SCENE}
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "Finally - something I know inside and out."
INTERIOR: CRYSTAL ROOM
BARREL: "Stay here, guys. I've got this."
[BARREL WALKS INTO THE ROOM, WHERE THE MISSILES ARE DEFLECTED BY SOME KIND OF FORCE AROUND HIM. THE REST OF THE GROUP RUNS IN ANYWAY.]
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "...rookies."
--------------------------------------------
{ZOMBIE TROGLODYTE BATTLE}
{EDITOR: We need to keep this in so we can show Torg getting roughed up and taken down *again* this week in the next scene. I *know* it wasn't a great fight... this is gonna be a LONG season.}
{TORG AND MORDECAI'S SHOWDOWN}
{EDITOR: Make this scene quick and brutal!}
--------------------------------------------
INT - "REWARD" CHAMBER
{EDITOR: Feel free to break out the xylophone sound effect here - Barrel's supposed to know this stuff but almost got everyone killed by that clock roach.}
BARREL, CONFESSIONAL: "It's a shame we couldn't get that clock roach out of there, but weeks like this are why I got into adventuring in the first place."
{EDITOR: Just cut the stuff with Mordecai and Oakbeard taking off, and the spikemen - nobody gave us anything to work with here.}
--------------------------------------------
VOICEOVER: Barrel was the big winner this week, walking away with a *longsword +1*, a case full of scrolls, and a *watch lamp* to light his way. Torg strong-armed an *armband of elusiveness* along with his share. Mordecai danced away with a pair of *boots of landing*, as well as a herd of zombie troglodytes... and Oakbeard went home empty-handed, but had a plan to take on the logging camp on his own.
VOICEOVER: NEXT TIME, on DUNGEON HAUL...
"We're in the Spider Swa-" "I KNOW WHERE WE ARE!"
{GRAPHIC: Portcullis slams down.}